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gold in repair

by TOWSLEY

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1.
You never liked my tattoos or the way that I cut my hair You say that you love me you just hate everything I am Pick apart all the pieces you like All the images you want to see It's alright throw away all the rest It's just all of me And I've spent the last decade or so trying to unlearn How you taught me to hate myself All my pages are burned You don't know who I am You simply know all you wish to see You love everything that I never was You hate everything that's real inside of me I studied until I knew nothing at all All I learned turned into hollow beliefs Learning to apologize for everything that's not my fault Now I fight to live unapologetically And I've spent the last decade or so trying to unlearn How you taught me to hate myself All my pages are burned You don't know who I am You simply know all you wish to see You love everything that I never was You hate everything that's real inside of me Maybe this time around I will learn to love myself Maybe this time around I will learn to love myself Maybe this time around I will learn somehow to love myself
2.
Swap out the cigarettes and whiskey Paint this new one in gold Disguise the hunger Pretend this one is more controlled Maybe we spend our lives Trading one bad habit for another vice Dress it up change its name With a whole new look as if it's not the same We swear we'll never be Controlled by anything Yet we sell ourselves for a price Swap out the cigarettes and whiskey Paint this new one in gold Disguise the hunger Pretend this one is more controlled Swear we won't We won't sell Everyone has a price and only time will tell How do we define wealth? In pursuit of happiness we sacrifice ourselves We swear we'll never be Controlled by anything Yet we sell ourselves for a price Swap out the cigarettes and whiskey Paint this new one in gold Disguise the hunger Pretend this one is more controlled Swap out the cigarettes and whiskey Paint this new one in gold Disguise the hunger Pretend this one is more controlled Swap out the cigarettes and whiskey Paint this new one in gold Disguise the hunger Pretend this one is more controlled We all have our own version of a vice
3.
You don't even have to see me I simply wish to exist I can't keep playing a part Reading lines from someone else's script I've spent my whole life living out of boxes So I won't be put back into one Keep all your labels, don't need a descriptor To tell me who I will become I've spent far too long unpacking these boxes To let you put me into one Some people wish for the world Others wish to be a part of it Don't need your permission to breathe Stop trying to write my own narrative I've spent my whole life living out of boxes So I won't be put back into one Keep all your labels, don't need a descriptor To tell me who I will become I've spent far too long unpacking these boxes To let you put me into one Breaking out I'm breaking out Breaking out I'm breaking out Enough of these boxes I won't be put back into one
4.
You were impulsive, I was compulsive I guess we both have our own weakness I... I've been holding on so tight To something that was never mine Sometimes I have a bad tendency to love ideas in my mind I keep searching for answers I know don't exist I know I won't be satisfied with any answer you have to give No amount of closure will bring me any closer to getting over this Because closure is never enough until we decide it is Too much too fast I pushed, you pulled back You tried to tell me, but I wasn't listening I... I'm not usually like this I swear You brought this out of me Sometimes you get caught up in yourself You didn't know how you hurt me I keep searching for answers I know don't exist I know I won't be satisfied with any answer you have to give No amount of closure will bring me any closer to getting over this Because closure is never enough Until we decide it is
5.
Everyone is dealt a hand Some of us keep our cards close to our chest Waiting on some promised land Rather than attempting to play our best Everyone has their own version of the second coming of christ But I guarantee that the moment it happens They'd still have him crucified all over again So we keep on waiting For the next new savior Instead of creating We yearn for something better Moments gone to waste Yet still we wait Eyes gazing into the sun Looking for something to fall from the sky There must be something or someone Able to answer all our questions why Everyone has their own version of the second coming of christ But I guarantee that the moment it happens They'd still have him crucified all over again So we keep on waiting For the next new savior Instead of creating We yearn for something better Moments gone to waste Yet still we wait Yet still we wait Yet still we...
6.
resilience 03:07
Take a glance through the glass Reminisce through your past From hospital beds To losing count of your meds Doctors fail to flip the script One more pill to try and fix Problems caused by other pills Though the next one swears they will After all you've been through to do no harm Just as it is written in the scars upon your arm Fortified in crimson and ink You don't care what others think You've been remade through resiliency Pulling smiles through all the pain Despite how nights haunt you still Words slipping from pages Through veins trauma rages No one knows You'll never tell Forged by fire from hell You dust yourself off As if you never fell After all you've been through to do no harm Just as it is written in the scars upon your arm Fortified in crimson and ink You don't care what others think You've been remade through resiliency You don't care what others think You've been remade through resiliency
7.
Both of our paths intertwined At the most unexpected of times You had already given your hand to a man As another woman held onto mine Both our intentions were pure We never could have planned for this I couldn't help that I fell for your soul I wished that we weren't just a wish We don't have to do anything You don't have to take off your wedding ring I don't know what to do, and that's okay All I know is I want to exist with you Nobody cheated or lied No one did anything wrong There's no one to blame, which sometimes makes It that much harder to move on I know they'll both be okay We all deserve the chance to find Someone who looks at them the way you look at me I can't believe you're mine We don't have to do anything You don't have to take off your wedding ring I don't know what to do, and that's okay All I know is I want to exist with you I hope one day I'll give you a wedding ring That you won't take off and I will sing my vows to you We don't know what we're doing, and that's okay All I know is can't exist without you I can't exist without you I want to exist with you
8.
Always said I would be Lost if you ever left me I know it hasn't been long But I hope you've moved on Believe me, I feel badly And sometimes it still hurts But mostly, I feel guilty About it not feeling worse Feeling worse Feeling worse I know we, we both said A life time together we would spend We meant it and though we tried Our version of forever ran its time Believe me, I feel badly And sometimes it still hurts But mostly, I feel guilty About it not feeling worse Feeling worse Feeling worse Believe me, I feel badly And sometimes it still hurts But mostly, I feel guilty About it not feeling worse Feeling worse Feeling worse

credits

released August 5, 2022

Producer: John Hanifin
Mixing Engineer: David Rosenthal
Mastering Engineer: Robert L. Smith

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TOWSLEY Washington, D.C.

Musician. Songwriter. Veteran.

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